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SEASON 4 - EPISODE 1 “BELLES DE JOUR”
SEASON 4 - EPISODE 1 “BELLES DE JOUR”Okay Upper East Siders,
The summer is officially over because we now have the summer wrap-up episode of Gossip Girl. What did we learn last season? Besides that the writer’s ran out of story lines after the first act of Season 3.
We learned a few things:
Dan & Vanessa are the most boring couple on Earth.
Nate Archibald is the most boring person on Earth.
Little J needed to lose her V-Card.
Georgina was pregnant.
Blair is still perfect.
Dorota is also perfect.
AND…
RUFUS made like a billion waffles.
The first episode of Season 4: Here’s what I want to happen… Vanessa to stay wherever it is she goes when she’s not on the show, Dan to eat a million dicks and Nate to either keep his mouth shut or die. I want Blair to say bitchy things and Serena to not open her mouth fully while talking.
And god dammit, I want some waffles!
PROS
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+ Nate realizes he’s boring by telling Dan that he doesn’t have to talk to the girls he’s been banging. I’m sure the girls are happy about this as well.. because as we all know everything Nate says sounds like two people simultaneously dribbling basketballs. DUMB, STUPID BASKETBALLS!
+ Georgina thanks for whoring up the place, you are some one’s mother. But you did make what would have been a suicide-inducing scene, tolerable. Kudos. Say Hi to Little Pete.
+ Blair! Look at you. This summer has made you look like a princess of all Whores! That’s a good thing… I think. I wish this show would just be about Blair. I would watch a show where Blair doesn’t understand poor people for an hour. I swear, I would. Josh Schwartz…SPIN-OFF!
+ Of course, a prince would be into Blair. I predicted she looked like a princess.
+ Did Vanessa just have a witty cunt joke? Vanessa is getting to play smart as she calls Humphrey out on all of his stupid bullshit. I think he likes being a dad because it makes him seem important. Does it feel different than your stupid self-importance.
+ FACIAL BLAIR! He’s just a stupid driver, not a Prince. SERENA, have you ever seen a Prince’s dick? You’re about to! Wait..You probably have.
+ Blair’s mom. COUGAR! ::cougar noise:: Wouldn’t mind DORF’in her Wall. Sorry. SORRY! SORRY! SORRRRY!
+ Chuck Bass’ credit card statement is so not Chuck. Just saying his name isn’t doing the trick. SHOW HIM TO ME!
+ Katie Cassidy (Juliet) is a welcome addition. I liked her when she was dying of a heroin overdose in Taken. Hope it’s not a similar outcome. However, that would spice some shit up!
+ Blair is soooo competitive.
+ RUFUS is a grandfather! He must at the very least, be the second member of Lincoln Hawk to be a grandfather.
+ Georgina ruining Dan’s life. Maybe he will go move back with his mom. That would rid me of one of my problems.
+ I love Serena and Blair fights. They are the best. I always root for Blair because she always wins. Fighting Serena is like fighting a dog who really wants to suck your dick (and isn’t good at fighting).
+ Sexy ladies playing Rock Band is definitely the most exciting thing to ever happen in a room that Nate is in… besides him shutting the fuck up.
+ Finally Chuck, and he looks in bad shape. But his nurse looks like Ke$ha! WHAT A TWIST! She’s also Russian with no accent. He also is calling himself “Henry Prince.” It’s getting weird! He’s also dressed like he’s in the Notebook, but like the poor character from that stupid fucking movie! Henry’s going to like Paris. That’s what his face said. This guy’s a good face actor!
CONS
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- So far, no Chuck. Not a good thing, considering he’s the best!
- Vanessa showed up. Yuck. She honestly looks like just a young witch. If they ever re-make Hocus Pocus, cast her.. on second thought, don’t. She sucks. I may hate her more than Nate. I didn’t think that was possible.
- Just because you’re blonde and white and they are white and French doesn’t mean you can’t get an STD, chill the fuck out Serena. You’re vagina isn’t a passport, it doesn’t need to get stamped whenever you travel.
- Serena, you got accepted to Columbia? I would understand Colombia..because you’re a cokewhore. But this is ridiculous…
- Georgina, your Russian was offensive to all Russian’s, I assume. I’m not Russian, I can care less. But seriously.
- STOP EATING HER DESSERT, SERENA! You need to keep your figure to play a Bostonian whore in “The Town.”
- Georgina is doing some stupid bitchy thing. I feel like all of her dialogue looks like this.
GEORGINA
Something bitchy, something cunty, something twisty..
Cut to commercial.
- Nate, stop hitting on the new girl! And another thing, how does he afford all of these nice meals for his bang sessions? Didn’t his family lose all of their money? I don’t get it. Remember his boring cousin, Trip? He’s dead. Probably not, but let’s wish.
- ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID, HUMPHREY?! Why would you SQUISH inside of Georgina? WHY?! Look at that face, it’s practically begging for juice on it! BEGGING!!! Also, she looks like a dog. I can’t be the first to say that because she looks so much like a dog…when she first appeared, I was like “AWESOME! GOSSIP GIRL HAS A TALKING DOG CHARACTER!”
- Stupid switcheroo, the driver wasn’t a driver…it was the Prince. So now Serena is going to put her mouf around a driver’s D***! Blair blew it! Not literally, of course, she’s a lady!
- Vanessa, stop being Dan’s friend. Everyone else on the show…STOP BEING DAN’S FRIEND!
- THERE HASN’T BEEN ANY DOROTA! WHAT THE FUCK?!!? NO DOROTA, NO WAFFLES, NO ERIC?! THIS BETTER HAVE A SECOND HOUR OF DOROTA EATING WAFFLES OFF OF ERIC!
- BLAIR!!!!!! DON’T APOLOGIZE! I don’t like you when you apologize. Ugh, I hope this show doesn’t last long enough for them to get married to really boring characters….like the Big Ragu and whoever Laverne married.. What am I talking about?
- Nate bootycalling Heroin-OD-lady…she’s definitely got some mystery inside her, right? No one is ever fucking normal on this show. Everyone has a secret.
