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DOUBLE IDENTITY
Hello Upper East Siders,
Last week’s dumb episode was pretty good. Here we are now on episode 2. Anything can happen, literally anything because everything is stupid as shit. My hopes for this episode include Chuck Bass, Blair Waldorf being bitchy and Serena closing her legs.
PRO’S
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+ Blair called Humphrey a donut. While donuts are delicious, I can imagine Humphrey as a donut that sucks out all of the life in your body.
+ Yeah! We get it, Katie Cassidy! THIS SHOW IS FUCKING RETARDED!
+ Henry Prince likes to have sex just as much as Chuck Bass. WAIT A SECOND!
+ I like Katie Cassidy, she is stirring up some shit! I wonder what her game is.
+ Blair seeing Chuck! I got goosebumps! I’m also high on METH!!!!!!!
+ Does Hellcats suck?
+ Katie Cassidy is really really pretty. I am a fan of that face.
+ BLAIR JUST HAD A HUGE ZING. “I went to the morgue today.” “What is that a sex club?” SERENA IS SUCH A STUPID WHORE!
+ Chuck (Henry) you can still plow that girl!
+ Baby’s first Rufus’ waffles?
+ Adding an interesting lady into Nate’s life is a good idea! I really do miss his cokehead dad! That guy loved cocaine!
+ How are you surprised by this Serena? The most dramatic shit happens to you week after week. Get used to the fact that Chuck is saying he’s not Chuck.
+ Chuck is dressed like a Newsie. But acting like a Chuck Bass.
+ Blair looks all wah-wah-wee-wah. She’s actin’ all woo-woo-wee-woo.
+ Blair deserves all the jewelry in the world. Serena’s probably the worst dressed person to ever be inside Harry Winston. After Blair saw the engagement ring Chuck bought for her, her vagina was all like “WHAT PRINCE? IM SO WETTT!!!”
+ Blair would rather go to the Ball than save Chuck. SAVE CHUCK! You guys are IT! Sweet LOST ending to that moment.
+ I really want to be in a bad horror movie, someone cast me.
+ Blair & Chuck! BLAIR & CHUCK! BLAIR & CHUCK!!!! IN FUCKING PARIS! If I wasn’t emotionally dead inside, I would cry my dick off! Chuck is trying to be a good person. He really is. Blair loves him. Guys, I’m feeling something.. and it’s GOOSEBUMPS! GREAT SCENE! Should have ended the episode. Wonder what stupid shit they will end this episode with?
+ I like that Serena said the only good thing about Nate is his shoulders. I wish she would tell that to his stupid face.
+ Blair gives up being a princess to be in the Upper East Side. You kiss a prince with that trash mouth? I love you! She’s so not a princess.
+ I hope Milo is more interesting than Dan. They should age him 16 years next season…and have Serena do coke off of his dick!
+ Serena is looooooooooooooooooookin’ GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Plus she’s ruining Dan and Vanessa’s BORING OFF! Yeah, good face to make Serena, all of this is bullshit.
CON’S
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- Why is Serena wearing that glittery blazer? Who would wear that? Does she have severe daddy issues? Oh right!! LAST SEASON! But it’s pretty cool fashion wear for a morgue. You hear that, Gaga? Dress like a dumb idiot in a morgue! JK! ILU GAGA!
- HUMPHREY! YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! REALLY! Way to ruin, Woody Guthrie for 900,000 tweenage girls. You fucking suck. No joke here. Just you suck.
- Good idea writers, team up Nate and Humphrey for an important dialogue. Why does Nate just check other people’s phones? That’s not that boring. But still, he is.
- Vanessa is in this episode.
- Blair, don’t you realize.. you taught us all how to love again. You just seduce other young women then pretend to fight with them and then you have public sex with your partner! GET BACK WITH CHUCK! GET BACK WITH CHUCK!
- Yuck! French guy is a terrible actor. He’s acting like he’s French. Gross! USA USA USA!
- Oh, sweet! A Vanessa and Dan scene. I really missed hating this show!
- Just fucking get a room somewhere on a different show, Dan & Vanessa. Spin off, it’s kind of like the upcoming film “Buried”, two of television’s worst characters buried underground and it’s not on television.
- Serena is so interested in fixing things. She’s probably the dumbest person to ever try to fix stuff. How do you fix a situation that doesn’t have a dick?
- BAD JOKE, LILY! BAD JOKE!
- Nate and Dan, bro’in out on a roof. Talkin’ bout Serena. They are so boring and predictable.
- Katie Cassidy isn’t going to be on this show forever. That sucks.
- MORE FUCKING VANESSA AND DAN?!?! JESUS CHRIST! I want to cut my hands off so I could stop typing how much they suck. They really suck. Why does Dan’s face have abs?
- SLOW DOWN, French man. It doesn’t make sense what you are saying.
- The bad part of this ending is Serena will date some new bozo that I don’t like.
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SEASON 4 - EPISODE 1 “BELLES DE JOUR”
SEASON 4 - EPISODE 1 “BELLES DE JOUR”Okay Upper East Siders,
The summer is officially over because we now have the summer wrap-up episode of Gossip Girl. What did we learn last season? Besides that the writer’s ran out of story lines after the first act of Season 3.
We learned a few things:
Dan & Vanessa are the most boring couple on Earth.
Nate Archibald is the most boring person on Earth.
Little J needed to lose her V-Card.
Georgina was pregnant.
Blair is still perfect.
Dorota is also perfect.
AND…
RUFUS made like a billion waffles.
The first episode of Season 4: Here’s what I want to happen… Vanessa to stay wherever it is she goes when she’s not on the show, Dan to eat a million dicks and Nate to either keep his mouth shut or die. I want Blair to say bitchy things and Serena to not open her mouth fully while talking.
And god dammit, I want some waffles!
PROS
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+ Nate realizes he’s boring by telling Dan that he doesn’t have to talk to the girls he’s been banging. I’m sure the girls are happy about this as well.. because as we all know everything Nate says sounds like two people simultaneously dribbling basketballs. DUMB, STUPID BASKETBALLS!
+ Georgina thanks for whoring up the place, you are some one’s mother. But you did make what would have been a suicide-inducing scene, tolerable. Kudos. Say Hi to Little Pete.
+ Blair! Look at you. This summer has made you look like a princess of all Whores! That’s a good thing… I think. I wish this show would just be about Blair. I would watch a show where Blair doesn’t understand poor people for an hour. I swear, I would. Josh Schwartz…SPIN-OFF!
+ Of course, a prince would be into Blair. I predicted she looked like a princess.
+ Did Vanessa just have a witty cunt joke? Vanessa is getting to play smart as she calls Humphrey out on all of his stupid bullshit. I think he likes being a dad because it makes him seem important. Does it feel different than your stupid self-importance.
+ FACIAL BLAIR! He’s just a stupid driver, not a Prince. SERENA, have you ever seen a Prince’s dick? You’re about to! Wait..You probably have.
+ Blair’s mom. COUGAR! ::cougar noise:: Wouldn’t mind DORF’in her Wall. Sorry. SORRY! SORRY! SORRRRY!
+ Chuck Bass’ credit card statement is so not Chuck. Just saying his name isn’t doing the trick. SHOW HIM TO ME!
+ Katie Cassidy (Juliet) is a welcome addition. I liked her when she was dying of a heroin overdose in Taken. Hope it’s not a similar outcome. However, that would spice some shit up!
+ Blair is soooo competitive.
+ RUFUS is a grandfather! He must at the very least, be the second member of Lincoln Hawk to be a grandfather.
+ Georgina ruining Dan’s life. Maybe he will go move back with his mom. That would rid me of one of my problems.
+ I love Serena and Blair fights. They are the best. I always root for Blair because she always wins. Fighting Serena is like fighting a dog who really wants to suck your dick (and isn’t good at fighting).
+ Sexy ladies playing Rock Band is definitely the most exciting thing to ever happen in a room that Nate is in… besides him shutting the fuck up.
+ Finally Chuck, and he looks in bad shape. But his nurse looks like Ke$ha! WHAT A TWIST! She’s also Russian with no accent. He also is calling himself “Henry Prince.” It’s getting weird! He’s also dressed like he’s in the Notebook, but like the poor character from that stupid fucking movie! Henry’s going to like Paris. That’s what his face said. This guy’s a good face actor!
CONS
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- So far, no Chuck. Not a good thing, considering he’s the best!
- Vanessa showed up. Yuck. She honestly looks like just a young witch. If they ever re-make Hocus Pocus, cast her.. on second thought, don’t. She sucks. I may hate her more than Nate. I didn’t think that was possible.
- Just because you’re blonde and white and they are white and French doesn’t mean you can’t get an STD, chill the fuck out Serena. You’re vagina isn’t a passport, it doesn’t need to get stamped whenever you travel.
- Serena, you got accepted to Columbia? I would understand Colombia..because you’re a cokewhore. But this is ridiculous…
- Georgina, your Russian was offensive to all Russian’s, I assume. I’m not Russian, I can care less. But seriously.
- STOP EATING HER DESSERT, SERENA! You need to keep your figure to play a Bostonian whore in “The Town.”
- Georgina is doing some stupid bitchy thing. I feel like all of her dialogue looks like this.
GEORGINA
Something bitchy, something cunty, something twisty..
Cut to commercial.
- Nate, stop hitting on the new girl! And another thing, how does he afford all of these nice meals for his bang sessions? Didn’t his family lose all of their money? I don’t get it. Remember his boring cousin, Trip? He’s dead. Probably not, but let’s wish.
- ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID, HUMPHREY?! Why would you SQUISH inside of Georgina? WHY?! Look at that face, it’s practically begging for juice on it! BEGGING!!! Also, she looks like a dog. I can’t be the first to say that because she looks so much like a dog…when she first appeared, I was like “AWESOME! GOSSIP GIRL HAS A TALKING DOG CHARACTER!”
- Stupid switcheroo, the driver wasn’t a driver…it was the Prince. So now Serena is going to put her mouf around a driver’s D***! Blair blew it! Not literally, of course, she’s a lady!
- Vanessa, stop being Dan’s friend. Everyone else on the show…STOP BEING DAN’S FRIEND!
- THERE HASN’T BEEN ANY DOROTA! WHAT THE FUCK?!!? NO DOROTA, NO WAFFLES, NO ERIC?! THIS BETTER HAVE A SECOND HOUR OF DOROTA EATING WAFFLES OFF OF ERIC!
- BLAIR!!!!!! DON’T APOLOGIZE! I don’t like you when you apologize. Ugh, I hope this show doesn’t last long enough for them to get married to really boring characters….like the Big Ragu and whoever Laverne married.. What am I talking about?
- Nate bootycalling Heroin-OD-lady…she’s definitely got some mystery inside her, right? No one is ever fucking normal on this show. Everyone has a secret.
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EPISODE: “The Debarted”
PRO’S
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+ Nate, you are now kind of interesting, do you have a crush on Humphrey? Cause even if you went gay, you would have picked the other most boring guy in NY.
+ Bart’s back and making my favorite show like my other favorite show (LOST). I would have never guessed that Chuck was this show’s Hurley. Bart in Chuck’s brain is also like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars (how gay is this blog now?), I can’t wait for him to tell Chuck to get angry.
+ I can’t believe this is a pro, but Nate I really hope you fuck Serena this year.
+ Serena prefers Fitzgerald to Hemingway, what other preferences that you have no fucking clue about do you have?
+ Trip’s wife is such a cunt! That’s a plus. This show needs a cunt and we got it. Trip’s Wife.
+ Oh, I just forgot that the people who live in Rufus/Lily’s building think Rufus is a housewife. They are so right. Lily totally wears the pants in that family, she’s awesome, sexy and (probably) loves Wilco (she is married to the male version of the full band). Rufus = Wilco.
+ Chuck handles grief about as well as he handles rejection.
+ Car crash caused by random wolves in the middle of the street, New Moon cross promotion?
+ Gossip Girl is getting really fucking good at crazy montages. Serena looks so fucking dead. (hope she’s not)
+ Nate needs a Bart Bass to tell him to unleash his anger on Trip, instead he’ll probably have his cokehead dad tell him to “hide the coke for him.” Gossip Girl really needs more parental ghosts.
+ Rufus you did it again. When did you have time to figure out how to make boulonnaise? You were a fucking rock star, a fucking father, and a fucking art gallery owner.
+ Why are the cops in Nassau County calling every main cast member to tell them Serena was in a car accident? Maybe one of the cops is Gossip Girl, that would be amazing that if Gossip Girl was a Long Island male cop. What a twist.
+ BOOM! Nate! NATE! NATE! You just dropped Trip. I have a new favorite character. I need to change the URL of this blog. How did they fix my hatred for a boring character? They used love and violence.
+ Serena looks great all beat up. Aw man, I may be fucked up sexually.
+ Blair + Chuck = <333FOREVAZZZZ
+ Little Jenbot, you need to not wear makeup, you look beautiful.
+ Dan telling Vanessa that he loves her was really sweet. Vanessa shooting him down was even sweeter (FOR ME!!!)
+ “Empire State of Mind” is a really fucking good song.
+ NATE AND SERENA FOREVERRRRRR!!!
+ LITTLE J is a drug dealer!!! I fucking love this show so fucking much!!! This is totally heading for a brick wall!
+ NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! Is Chuck Bass’ mom alive? NO FUCKING WAY!!!!
GOSSIP GIRL IS JUST LIKE LOST!
CON’S
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- C’mon Gossip Girl, The Debarted? That was a shitty Simpsons episode last year.
- Cute girl who invited Humphrey to the writer’s retreat, you aren’t cute enough for this show. Why don’t you go star in a British version of Gossip Girl?
- Ugh, an entire eppy of Serena calling her married boyfriend? I’d rather masturbate with rouge, so it looked my dick was bleeding. (I’d rather watch an episode of Serena calling her married boyfriend than actual masturbate my bloody dick.)
- Blair seriously don’t act like you have a heart, Chuck hates hearts. He likes stockings and garterbelts, and dildo shows.
- Eric is acting like a real queen. I know he’s not Gossip Girl because it would be called Gossip Woman.
- What the fuck did you risk Serena? You are eighteen years old. I didn’t forget this. (You better fucking kiss her Nate.)
- Humphrey has now ruined sex for 6 women.
- There’s no way Trip has a big dick. No one who wears that hat has a big dick. You ruined Serena. I used to love Serena.
- Chuck, I love you, we know this but come on your flashback came off like a weird Imogen Heap music video. Lame. Go back with Blair, you guys get each other. She’ll even let you cum on her tits, and them tits belong to a Waldorf.
- Eric, why are you so lame? You and Lil’ J should be friends, for realzies!! Ya guys ARE PERFECT!
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The Last Days of Disco Stick
Pro’s
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+ Starting with Hilary Duff looking hot.
+ Lily! You should always wear glasses! What a babe. Rufus, you should make her some waffles, if you know what I mean?
+ Rufus not knowing what gonorrhea of the throat is. You wouldn’t, you were just a rock star in the 1990s.
+ Jenny is great because she’s full of hipster blood, and doesn’t understand how boring rich people can be.
+ BOOM!! The rich guy is an ‘E’ dealer! IN YO FACE, JENNY!
+ I love that Blair zinged Dan right after he did her a favor.
+ I like Hilary Duff showing a bitchy side.
+ See, Vanessa everyone know you’re in love with Dan. Just be in love with him on a different show, one that I don’t watch.
+ Blair! Blair! Blair! She’s really on fire in the past three weeks. That scene where she’s telling V and Hilary Duff what’s up, best scene this season. Kudos for the zing for Horrible Dan Humphrey.
+ Lady GA : The Musical (So cool with that)
+ Chuck saving Jenny. HE EVEN SAID, “I’m Chuck Bass!” That’s the best fucking line ever. Face, Belgian drug dealer I was a fan of. You can’t compete with Chuck Bass.
+ Nate admitting that’s he’s a big fucking idiot to Serena. PRO! Trip interrupting! PRO! Another threesome?
+ Blair is a pretty good actress.
+ Is Dan wearing the same outfit Hilary Duff was wearing three weeks ago?
+ Serena just fucking shit on Nate’s heart! EMO NATE! Nate better have sex with Olivia. Become interesting. Become interesting.
+ Lady GaGa is soooooo ugly, but she’s so interesting, that single is really not great! But, I like that Wallace Shawn hooked up Blair with Lady GaGa, why didn’t they pay him to be in this episode?
+ Little J, you’re lonely? Just like you’re brother LonelyBoy? Don’t become boring, don’t listen to Chuck.
+ Serena kissing Trip, surprisingly pretty good.
+ Little J, you better turn into an E-tard. That would set up your spin-off. (she deserves a spin-off, I’d actually watch)
+ LADY GAGA, awesome!
Con’s
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- As a huge Morrissey fan, I wish he didn’t have any fans like Dan Humphrey. But, he has only fans like Dan Humphrey. Fuck you Dan. I didn’t see you there.
- Nate pretending like he’s a three way master. That would require two people not finding you boring. However, I did like you saying “I’m friends with Chuck, and I’ve been to Europe.” But you’re still boring.
- Get Trip off of this show. He’s boring just like his cousin. I do like his cunt-y wife, though.
- “Who wants to take their favorite wife to lunch?” That’s a really bad line.
- Two references of A Million Little Pieces, did that guy write this episode?
- Vanessa, are you really zinging
- Nate and Serena hanging out? Okay, Serena, you can make Nate interesting…take him to a place where he starts reading books, and where he can have sex with that hot older lady Duchess, again.
- Nate, you pussy! Just kiss her. I think Rufus and his stupid fucking waffles are more interesting than you. Remember from back before you ever spoke on this show, you were fucking her at a bar? Then you spoke and everyone realized you sucked. Go back to that.
- These pretentious actors are fucking awful. How dare you mess with the Queen B.
- What the fuck are you wearing Top Shop Humphrey? Oh, Top Shop.
- Yes! Dan and Vanessa, if you date, no way are you going to be given storylines. Poor Olivia, I really like her. Maybe, Chuck can have sex with her. That will add a lot of great DRAMA!
- I really think Dan Humphrey’s going to get into that playwright program. You wrote a play that makes Saved By The Bell look like FUCKING Mamet.
- When Dan kissed Vanessa, did anyone else never want to kiss anyone again?
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GOSSIP GIRL 11/10 - “THEY SHOOT HUMPHREY’S, DON’T THEY”
Pro’s:
-Finally Eric is given something to do besides wearing a hideous poker dealer outfit
-DEB BALLZZZZ!!! (Metropolitan is one of my favorite movies)
-The best episodes are always Little J going up against Blair
-I don’t know why I hate Chuck and Nate, maybe it’s because I want to be Chuck Bass friend and want Nate to quit being a boner.
-Blair’s protege is my actual type of girl, points! Kyria Abernathy, cute!
-Little J is one of my favorite characters, but seeing her get her comeuppance always means she’s going to Out-Blair, Blair. Should be pretty hot.
-Sweet Chuck moment: Proving he is 18 years old after all by saying it’s cool if Serena and Blair kiss. It would be cool. It would be soooooooooo cool.
-THREESOME! Dan you are one half lucky guy, hooking up with a super hot Hilary Duff, and a boring Vanessa.
-This won’t complicate things at all for Dan and Vanessa, right? I hope this ends with them getting married, and moving to a village so far away from Gossip Girl.
-Little J and Nate they make sense, she’s so interesting and complex, and he’s a big idiot. He will make her cum retarded.
-Little J & Blair again, and again. I love it. Game respects Game.
-YES! Kyria and Little J are going to be enemies! Eric just turned into a Gay Batman.
Con’s:
-Serena covering up them tatties
-Eric making a Star Wars reference, yeah right.
-Rufus, are you auditioning to be aging indie rocker Clark Kent?
-Seriously, fucking Serena and Blair, get over your bullshit, there is more important things going on, like Chuck Bass not getting a cool storyline, and Lily and Rufus becoming boring, not too mention, he hasn’t fucking made a waffle in two weeks!
-Really Debutante Ball, you are going to hire a indie rock band who sings their hit song, “I’m a Bitch”? Nope, you are not. You would hire like some boring string quartet that Vanessa appreciates because of how boring and urban they are.
-Serena, what the fuck? Dan and Vanessa, the two worst human beings alive are more interesting than you.
-Eric getting dumped by Jonathan. I hope Eric hooks up with a 45 year old that kidnaps him. (ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? Let’s please buy my spec script)
-Serena, you used to be the BE-ALL-END-ALL to me, now, you’re kind of a goofy slut. (Please answer my emails, Blake, not Serena)
